Saying “Thank You” (Thanksgiving Eve Sermon with Abiding Presence, November 25, 2015)
Sermon from our 29th Thanksgiving Service with Abiding Presence
This past weekend at Temple B’nai Shalom, we hosted 185 teenagers and their youth advisors. It was an amazing and uplifting weekend for our teens and for everyone who participated. There were so many memorable moments during the weekend, as I look back thrilled and exhausted. Perhaps the biggest surprise was how many of the teens went out of their way to say ‘thank you.’ Host families were impressed with the abundance of gratitude expressed, and frankly, so was I. It was heartening to see that thankfulness was alive and well in the hearts of good teenagers.
We never realize how much our words of appreciation, or a thank you note, mean to someone. I save all my thank you notes from our members and have for decades. Whether I am writing a college recommendation or a eulogy, reading and holding a thank you note transports me into the relationship and always brings a smile to my face. I learned this week that I am not alone.
My son, Jonah, who is here tonight, is 30 years old. An email came a few days ago from a basketball coach he had when he was ten-years-old:
“Dear Amy, I came home this evening to find you on the cover of my Connection newspaper. What a pleasant surprise that brought back warm memories of coaching Jonah and the special dispensation you gave our Jewish team members to compete in the finals of our basketball tournament on your Sabbath. I still have the note you wrote me nearly 20 years ago. I will cherish it always.”
What followed was a scanned copy of my handwritten note, dated March 1996, in which I thanked him “from the bottom of my heart” for making the season so wonderful for Jonah and our family. He was one of those ‘special’ coaches who helped Jonah to stay on the team as a vital member, even though Jonah had a trip to China, was participating in Area Orchestra and needed to be home on Friday nights for Shabbat, our Jewish Sabbath.
In my note, I wrote words that I didn’t remember writing, but am so glad I did, “You taught him that he wouldn’t be rejected if he couldn’t play every game. You taught him that sportsmanship and faith are not just values we teach at home, but values that his coach believed in, too. Please be proud of this season—not only for a terrific record, but for what we know you gave our son, and all the boys, that will be part of his and their humanity for a lifetime. God Bless You, Coach!!”
Saying ‘thank you’ matters much more than we ever realize. And writing down our words of gratitude, more than other action, has been shown scientifically to increase human happiness beyond all expectations by Dr. Martin E.P. Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania.
From UMass and Harvard to USC and UCLA, coast to coast, and in scientific brain research and studies all over the world, with people who are well and those who are ill, one experiment after another proves that for the human brain feelings and expressions of gratitude help us to be more satisfied, more optimistic, help us to sleep better, and boost our health and immune systems, in addition to increasing job performance and productivity, and relieving stress. All from one simple act or expression of thankfulness!
Brain scans reveal that gratitude can actually change your brain for the better. The latest brain research shows that six doses of 30 seconds of gratitude daily (a whopping three minutes!) will enable your neurons to fire together and wire together around gratitude within a mere two weeks. (Christine Comaford, Forbes, 11/24/2014 online)
Start being consciously and regularly thankful at Thanksgiving, and you can rewire yourself into a “grateful brain” by Chanukah or Christmas. Now, that is a holiday diet we could all easily achieve and a present for the holidays that could last a lifetime and extend your life. And it just starts with you…
In his book, Words that Hurt, Words that Heal, Joseph Telushkin has a chapter called “Words that Heal.” (p.151-153, Quill/William Morrow, 1996) In that chapter, he tells a story by the late Art Buchwald, the great American Pulitzer Prize winning humorist, and long time Washington Post columnist:
Art was in NYC with a friend one day in a taxi… you know the old NY kind of taxi…the yellow kind. Buchwald’s friend got out of the cab and said to the driver,
“Thank you for the ride. You did a superb job of driving.”
The taxi driver was stunned and then in his thick NY accent responded, “You a wise guy or something?”
Buchwald’s friend continued, “No, my dear man, and I am not putting you on. I admire the way you keep cool in heavy traffic.”
“Yeh, sure,” the driver said, and drove off.
Buchwald recalls looking at his friend and saying, “What was that about?” To which his friend responded, “I am trying to bring love back to NY. I believe it is the only thing that can save the city.”
“How can one man save NY?” Buchwald asked.
“It’s not one man,” said his friend, “I believe that I have made the taxi driver’s day. Suppose he has twenty fares. He’s going to be nice to those twenty fares, because someone was nice to him. Those fares in turn will be kinder to their employees, or shopkeepers, or waiters, or even their own families. Eventually, the goodwill could spread to at least 1,000 people. Now that isn’t bad, is it?”
Buchwald, always the pragmatist, responded, “But, you are depending on that taxi driver to pass your goodwill on to others.”
“I’m not depending on it,” said the friend, I am aware that the system isn’t foolproof, so I might deal with ten different people today. If, out of ten, I can make three happy, then eventually, I can indirectly influence the attitudes of 3,000 more people.”
“It sounds good on paper,” Buchwald conceded, “But I am not sure it works in practice.”
“Nothing is lost if it doesn’t work. It didn’t take any of my time to tell that man that he was doing a good job. He neither received a larger tip or a smaller one. If it fell on deaf ears, then tomorrow there will be another taxi driver whom I can try to make happy.”
Buchwald’s friend shared gratitude a few more times that day with construction workers and perfect strangers.
Buchwald told his friend that he hadn’t seen anyone like him since, “Man of La Mancha,” implying that his friend was crazy in seeing ‘goodness’ and trying to spread it when no one else took the time.
“When those people digest my words, they will feel better for it. Somehow the city will benefit from a few words of praise that can turn into happiness or pride.”
For the past 20 years, since first reading this story, I have tried to follow in the friend’s footsteps, with mostly wonderful results.
This year, our congregation is dedicated to living and learning Jewish values. In order to be able to show gratitude, our Jewish tradition teaches that one must cultivate the Hebrew value of “hakarat ha-tov” –“the recognition of the good another has done for you.” In other words, the essence of the value is to recognize the giving, and then to be able to show thanks. Sound familiar?
As people of faith, it is often easy for us to thank God in prayer and blessing, as the words are written in our scriptures and prayer books. But, when we leave our sanctuaries, we need to thank others the way we thank God… the checkout person of the supermarket who took time to pack everything so that the eggs wouldn’t break and the bread wouldn’t get smashed; the teacher who touched our child’s life with educational magic and kindness; the person who serves our meal at a banquet or a fast food restaurant, and the people who work to keep our sanctuaries and sacred spaces clean for us and God.
Tonight we say ‘thank you’ to all the people who made this service possible, the hard work of Pastor Keseley and her staff, your leadership and volunteers, the people who brought the gifts of music, those who came early to set up and usher, and those who will stay late to clean up, and those who are making sure that there are refreshments after the service. Thank you all.
There are tens or hundreds of people in our path each day who make our world, and our lives, a little brighter (Oh, I know, some of you are counting those who don’t measure up as I am speaking – try to prevent yourself from doing that, from going to the criticizing for a moment). If we thank all of the people in our lives… if we are grateful to the secretaries and bus drivers, bosses and strangers, how much the more so will that attitude of gratitude spill over to spouses and children and parents and in-laws and fellow congregants and friends, and rabbis and pastors who do try to give meaning to our lives each day.
One of the leading experts on gratitude, Dr. Robert A. Emmons, of UC Davis, has proven the health and psychological benefits of gratitude in his research over the past two decades.
For him, gratitude has two components: “First, it is an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts, and benefits we have received.” In an essay published by the Greater Good Science Center based at the University of California-Berkeley he said, “This doesn’t mean that life is perfect; it doesn’t ignore complaints, burdens and hassles. But when we look at life as a whole, gratitude encourages us to identify some amount of goodness in our life.”
His second component involves “figuring out where that goodness comes from.” It’s not so much appreciating our own positive traits, but it involves what he calls a “humble dependence” on others. When you think about it, a lot of what we’re grateful for is by the hand of others.”
Dr. Emmons’ research confirms the value of “hakarat hatov” — the need to be aware of the good done for you by others. And when we acknowledge that good, blessings flow.
Rabbi Jack Riemer called people who don’t say ‘thank you’ enough “emotionally constipated.” Frankly, it is not a condition I want any of us to suffer from this Thanksgiving.
Say ‘thank you’ to everyone this week, and then take it beyond this week into the holiday season, even when saying ‘thank you’ is hard for you. Each ‘thank you’ may not yield great results, but the more “thank yous” you put out in the world, the more thankful our little world here in Burke-Fairfax Station will be and the world beyond our little village, as well.
Thanksgiving is a time to say ‘thank you’ to those who have offered us kindness, love, shelter, hospitality, healing, friendship, and time. We offer thanks for the big things, and for all the little ones, too.
Thanksgiving is our congregation’s annual opportunity to thank Abiding Presence for nine years of hospitality that you so generously gave to us until we could afford to build our synagogue in 1994-1995, even when this building was under construction from Phase 1 to Phase 2. In my heart, I know that had you not given us a home, Temple B’nai Shalom might not exist. Our congregation will be forever in your debt. I cannot say thank you enough as we celebrate 29 years of friendship and faith this Thanksgiving.
Say ‘thank you’ to your turkey before it goes in the oven tomorrow, and instead of telling the cook to get off his or her feet, just say ‘thank you’ and then offer to do the dishes. Say ‘thank you’ to the person who has traveled a long distance, in our over-crowded airports, with extra security measures, in order to share this special holiday with you. And say ‘thank you’ to the workers in those airports who are giving up their holiday week to make the safety and travel of others their priority.
Another highlight of my week came from little Hannah Surridge, who was asked at school, in her first grade class at Oak View Elementary, to draw a picture of something she is thankful for. She drew a picture of me with the caption, “I am thankful for my rabbi.” It was a great activity for Hannah and she is excited that I am going to frame her picture, but I can tell you, that it was an even better activity for my heart and soul.
Giving thanks is not just reserved for God before we eat. Giving thanks needs to be a daily act for which the day of Thanksgiving is just a reminder.
Thank you all for sharing this Thanksgiving reflection with me. Thank you, God, for the gift of gratitude! Amen.
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