Facebook Posts by Rabbi Perlin in the Time of Coronavirus (4/14/2020)
Tuesday Post 4/14/20: My first Zoom Memorial Service
As those of you who read these daily posts realize by now, this pandemic has pulled me out of my quiet retirement to help heal and care for people. Yesterday, I had the privilege of officiating at a memorial service via Zoom. Like so many fellow clergy, I am not unique in employing this new medium for providing comfort and closure to families who have suffered a loss during this Covid-19 crisis. I am writing to tell you that I am still moved beyond words, this morning, at the experience yesterday’s service offered to the mourners, and even to me.
As a congregational rabbi for forty years, I never buried strangers, always officiating at services for members and very close friends. It has been a humbling experience to provide a meaningful memorial for people I care for, as they are grieving and seeking solace and closure. So, when asked to officiate at a service for members who lost their son, people I care deeply about, and at the request of the interim rabbi of our congregation, I immediately said ‘yes.’
I did not overthink the Zoom part of the memorial. I decided to approach the service the way I have for decades. I sought written eulogies and writing in advance to be submitted to me, as well as pictures, and even a video. I have never been one for spontaneity in these circumstances, and I knew this would be no exception.
When our congregation got a fancy copier, probably twenty years ago, I decided that I would produce memorial booklets for every family. I knew as a visual learner, that the auditory nature of a funeral or memorial service, compounded by grief, made it difficult to remember what was said and who said it at a funeral. The prayers tend to fill the quiet spaces in the fog of grief, but don’t land in the brain in any long-term way. In advance of the service, I carefully chose prayers and readings unique to the deceased, and asked for pictures and tributes/eulogies in advance. As time consuming as it all was, I prepared beautiful booklets that the clergy used for the service, and that were given to the families afterward as a remembrance. People have recounted over the years how they have gone to those booklets for yahrzeits, birthdays, and on days when the pain of loss seems hard to bear.
So, having a written script for the Zoom memorial yesterday was something that came easily. I know it enabled everyone to focus and follow, in a way that would not have been possible if all we could do was listen. Having a professional video montage prepared by a loved one, also added to our ability to capture the essence of the person we were mourning, even though I had to run it a second time, because I was on mute and the sound on the video wasn’t heard because of that the first time. I shared my screen for the service and the video, as we all have learned to do these days. It was an amazing service. We all cried and grieved together. Zoom brought us together in a way I couldn’t have really imagined. Even before the service began, I was able to greet people and offer condolences in a most personal way.
Zoom has had its problems as a company, and isn’t basking in its successes at the moment, under scrutiny for its security failures. But, I am so very grateful to this technology that brought family together coast-to-coast. I am so very grateful that rather than be on hold for an indefinite amount of time, that parents and siblings, family and friends could have the service they needed in a timely fashion, in the midst of a pandemic. I am thankful that Zoom, like Facebook, and email, are technologies we can employ for the good during these challenging times.
When our isolation abates, I will stop writing these daily posts, and probably won’t be doing many memorials. But, I will always remember this time of connection and adaptation, and its moments where people did the unthinkable to heal hearts and sanctify life. I will return to retirement with new insights and experiences, and very grateful to have learned new ways that being a rabbi can help and heal, after all these years.