Facebook Post by Rabbi Perlin in the Time of Coronavirus (3/29/2020)
Sunday Post: How we handle the Grief.
by Rabbi Amy R. Perlin, D.D. 3/29/2020
We may all be susceptible to the contagion of this virus, but we will all process this experience in our own way. Every brain handles grief differently, and this is definitely a grief episode in our lives. Grief is a disruption of the fabric of our lives, whose cause is most often out of our control.
For some, the retelling of the grief story really helps. These individuals find comfort in the stories told at shivas or funerals (or wakes, or memorial services). Others find that sharing the grief stories is too painful, often because others editorialize or sensationalize our grief as theirs. And there are some who go into denial or withdraw, which usually means that the grief festers and resides within, long after it is healthy. Some people handle grief with busyness and activity. And many people have a physical response to the grief – often one part of your body, or one of your body’s systems, shuts down or malfunctions in grief. How many times have people experienced emotional pain that becomes physical pain, which is a real and present manifestation of the broken heart? And it would be more than understandable if there are days when you wonder if you have the virus, because of that cough or fatigue. And speaking of fatigue, sleep disruption and general malaise are also symptoms of a grief episode.
Whatever your method of grief, you have been through this before. Your mind and body are wired for grief since your first loss as a little child, and your grief imprint has been evolving with each grief episode of your life. You have a pattern for coping through loss (not just death, but loss…of a job, a love, a dream, an opportunity, a championship, a home, a way of life… the list goes on.) One of my old friends is grieving with chocolate and toilet paper. A few friends are baking. And some friends are singing, while others are running.
We are all grieving the loss of life as it was supposed to be, as we try to navigate our isolation and disruption. We were supposed to go back to LA tomorrow to get ready for Passover and spend seven weeks. That is not happening. And not only that, we have no idea when we will get back to life in LA. For now, we are contentedly isolated in the woods of Fairfax Station, Virginia without a soul in sight. Not what we planned, but what we are dealing with… as are you. There will be some kind of Zoom seder, and we are packing up things to move to LA when we eventually move out of this big house, and life will someday resume its normal craziness. For now, we are coping with the craziness of the moment. That’s what we do.
We are busy not bored. I have jumped back into a more active rabbi role than I have had in the previous 20 months. After not writing one sermon, I find myself writing daily. I did a Town Hall Zoom meeting for our TBS college students this morning, and I have a Zoom “tea” with a colleague this afternoon and another Zoom schmooze with a colleague in Israel tomorrow. And I keep organizing and packing, albeit without the same zest I had when all this packing up began months ago. And my sleep is definitely disrupted. I am also writing letters and emails, and sending cards. And Gary is doing what he usually does in grief – he is sleeping better than he has been, he is getting organized for the move, he is keeping up his usual routine, he is making sure all the bills are paid, and he is cooking and baking. And every lunchtime, we play Scrabble. We are each handling the grief in our own ways and giving one another space to do that.
It is grief. There is so much loss. And sadness. And uncertainty about the future. And disappointment about the present. And the anger that comes with grief needs a focus, and thankfully I watch the news each day to have a focus for my anger in the ineptitude of our national leadership in handling this crisis. I will atone for some of my thoughts and words at Yom Kippur…or maybe not. Do you have to atone if the criticism and ranting is deserved? Know that it is good to have something to be angry about and someone to focus that anger on when you are grieving. And we all have someone.
And just as with situations of grieving, there are those whose kindness and thoughtfulness sustain you. There are connections that make you get out of bed in the morning, when all you really want to do is put the covers over your head and roll over. And the national shortage of sleep pants speaks to the fact that for many Americans, this grief is best done in pajamas and sweatpants. Whatever works for you.
So, what you are feeling has a name. It is grief. And as I have been telling people for decades – we all grieve in our own way. Just figure out what your way is and allow yourself the time and space to grieve. And don’t be surprised if your grief from the past resurfaces. Grief is cumulative and has a long memory. Unlike those Amazon boxes that are virus-free in three days, grief sticks around.
Some people grieve by not bathing. Jewish tradition teaches that after 30 days, someone who cares is supposed to say, “Go wash your turban.” Good advice. Wash those hands and for the sake of anyone you might be holed up with -take a shower.
Rabbi Amy R.Perlin, D.D.