Facebook Post by Rabbi Perlin in the Time of Coronavirus (3/23/2020)
Monday Post (March 23rd, 2020): The Challenge of Being Present in this Pandemic Time
by Rabbi Amy R. Perlin, D.D.
Only people who know me very well know that I am an introvert by nature. I need, seek, and thrive on alone time. I can spend entire days in silence. I also have a great need to control my time and space. Retirement has afforded me the comfort to do all of that, much more so than when I was working. But even in retirement, I have had to learn when I need to say “no,” to preserve by spirituality, my space, my personal time, and frankly my sanity. I think I have established a ‘me-world’ balance pretty well for the past 20 months of retirement, happily giving it all up when I am the primary caregiver of any one of my beautiful six grandchildren. I still have more to learn about time management in retirement, and God-willing I will have decades to perfect it. Canceling six trips before August will also give me plenty of time to refine all of this in a new way, as we have been traveling non-stop since I retired in June of 2018.
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED every single day of my active rabbinate. I loved teaching and preaching, counseling and administrating, visioning and transforming Jewish life for four decades. When I walked through the synagogue door every single day, for long and filled days, I thrived on all the trusting interactions and community building we did together. I looked forward to oneg each week, to see my people and hear about all the aspects of everyone’s lives. On Shabbat at TBS I was “Extrovert of Extroverts.” I am not, I would let you know, great at oneg (the fellowship time after services for my non-Jewish friends) as a congregant, often leaving very quickly after services in our congregations around the globe (I think we are up to ten at this point). So, like many of you, I navigate the world based on my comfort levels and personal needs. My family will tell you, that I am always in need of an old-fashioned snow week!
Rather than feel isolated during this pandemic, I have had to activate the “extrovert” me in a variety of ways. Instead of just treating this pandemic time as added bonus time to pack for our move (I know it will someday take place) and hunker down as we did during the snow days of old when we could completely disconnect from the world, especially in the time before the internet, I find there is a greater need for me to be present. That is why I decided to write every day on Facebook. I could feel the need out there for a calming voice, an alternative to news, and a sense of familiar connection. I care so deeply about all of you who are reading this, my Facebook friends and beloved congregants. For you and with you, I have found my ‘Voice’ again.
Today, I am attending our annual rabbinic conference via Zoom, and TBS has just announced that I will be teaching every Thursday, offering counseling time to members feeling pandemic crisis, and that I will convene a Town Hall for our TBS college students on Sunday morning. In addition, friends and family want to connect more than usual in ways that seem to be filling up the day. Like the parents of young children, who are pulled in the directions of work, children, and life, I am nourished by the connections, but also overwhelmed by the needs.
Have you noticed that people assume that you have nothing to do in the pandemic? Or that you are on your computer or by your phone 24/7? I rarely talk on the phone, never have my cell phone on me (it stays in my purse waiting to take pictures of my grandchildren, so why would I need it now?), and I spend most of my day off of my computer. Until this crisis, I could go days without answering emails. So, I confess that although I am thrilled to hear from people, I am a bit overwhelmed at the moment with how many people want to connect. Maybe you are, too.
I believe in being 100% present in every encounter with another human being. I often tell Gary and my kids that my tombstone should read, “She sat with people, one at a time.” So, I decided to write, to share, to care, and to take time each day to let the people I care about know that you are in my mind and heart. And your responses on Facebook have filled my soul and inspired me to write more. I appreciate the ability to touch the many, but am struggling to find a way to connect meaningfully with the few AND still have time to “just be” and have a life.
I am not sure I have an answer to this dilemma. Being “present” in this pandemic will be different for each person. I suppose what I want to share is that you have to take care of yourself, your well-being, and your personal space and time. We are all in crisis. We are all scared. We are all afraid of how long this will last and what the world will look like when it is over. So, it is okay to set limits on how and how much time you interact through the ever-present internet. We can’t be Alexa, always there listening whenever we hear a voice.
We are in this together, but that doesn’t mean all day, every day. Find your comfort zone. Experiment with what works for you. It’s okay to take a real snow day from the world, to just be at one with yourself. It doesn’t mean you don’t care or want to share. This pandemic has presented us with a new reality. Find what works for you.